This season has a lot to take in for this recovering perfectionist. I find myself wondering quite often what my purpose is. We moved to Orlando, knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were supposed to be in Orlando, we knew that the reason wasn’t clear, but the call was. So we packed up everything, sold our house and moved. In the midst of the busyness that accompanies a big move, I was pushing aside the feelings of uselessness that come with “only” being a full-time wife. I don’t say only in the sense that a full-time mom says “only” because they have a LOT on their plates. I say “only” in the terms of the fact that I want to do more and I don’t know what that is. Really, in all reality until I know what “that” is… I probably should pursue any sort of job option. I know more what I don’t want to do rather than what I do want to do… and that makes things pretty fuzzy….
Anyway, in the midst of all the planning and moving and new-ness it has been a conscious decision to not let panic set in. Will I ever have a purpose? Will I ever belong here? What is my place here? Who will I be with? And in the midst of each question has been the simple, small peace-filled phrase “Abide in Me.” Over and over again in my spirit I felt these words speaking to my soul and healing my fear. I remembered that my first and foremost purpose is to be in love with God. I remembered that without abiding in Him, no matter what I do will fail. I have been dwelling on these two Scriptures as my source of remembering my purpose. Before I can do anything, I need to be deeply rooted in God.
John 15:4-5 (ESV)
4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
I don’t really care (or am trying not to care) what people think of how I dress, how I look, what I do (or don’t do) with my free time, and focus on becoming who I am supposed to be as a follower of Christ. That is my first priority. I write this more as a note to myself to come back to when I feel attacked for not “doing anything” or when I feel like I will never belong, I always have a place… I will abide in Him.